Advent 3 - Mary letter 17

Remember your word to your servant,
   in which you have made me hope.
This is my comfort in my distress,
   that your promise gives me life.
The arrogant utterly deride me,
   but I do not turn away from your law.
When I think of your ordinances from of old,
   I take comfort, O Lord.
Hot indignation seizes me because of the wicked,
   those who forsake your law.
Your statutes have been my songs wherever I make my home.
I remember your name in the night, O Lord, and keep your law.
This blessing has fallen to me, for I have kept your precepts.Psalm 119:49-56


Dear Aunt Elizabeth,

I have recovered from my fall somewhat so we proceeded a few miles last night to another cousin's house. As we were walking in the twilight, I saw a small boy attending sheep all alone. I couldn't help but see my little boy in him, strong and able, yet out there all alone. I began to realize I have no idea how to be a mother, let alone the mother of the incarnate one! Oh, dear, I feel so inadequate and small. I write to you as not to frighten Mama, nor worry Joseph. You might just understand my sense of inadequacy. This is a huge responsibility for any woman, bringing a child into the world and keeping the child safe, and yet for me, this is a bigger burden, a huge deal, really. And I dare not tell anyone for they would think me crazy and take the baby away once he arrives!

Last night, after a lovely late supper from Anne and Jacob, we settled in for the night. I had a hard time falling asleep. It is hard to get this enormous mass, that is me right now, comfortable. As soon as I settle, the child decides it is time for dance practice! When I did sleep I had very troubling dreams. I saw people taking the baby from me as soon as he was born! They shouted that I was not good enough, a bad mother and all sorts of horrid things. I woke up crying and screaming. This dream only reinforced my sense of inadequacy and confusion. Joseph was very kind, calming me, rubbing my back and singing psalms to me. I still don't understand how one minute he can be so perfectly caring and the next he is oblivious, but he really does try. Are these dreams normal when we get close to delivery? Oh how I wish you and Mama and all the women I trust could be with me now. The delivery feels very close, and I have no idea how to handle it all.

Pray for me as I pray for you and your family.

love always,

Mary